I've decided to spice this place up with some random photos! haha.













Mo and me!












I like this picture. I think we look so cosied up cos Mo looks kinda squashed. Haha. But Yuen Kay's missing though.












With Yuen Kay this time.












Group photo after SP's Superstar! See Angela? So pretty! (:












Haha! Such inappropriate behaviour.












Gay partners.












Muggers forever!











My favourite. Genius at work.












Happy days.












Mr Daniel Tan. The teacher who's sometimes more like a friend and mentor than a teacher.












Miss Baljeet Kaur.












Mr Daniel Sun.













I don't know how to flip the photo! But anyway, Mr Daniel Khor!






Haha. I wanted to upload all the Baccalaureate photos. But blogger is so image-uploading unfriendly I can't be bothered. So there's only the photos with the teachers. It's seriously damn difficult, I wonder how come those people with alot of photos on their blogs have so much patience.

Speaking of patience. I was thinking. Patience is a virtue. Tolerance is a freaking skill.

With time, cracks appear in a relationship.

Suddenly, all your flaws become magnified and all your sacrifices become so small in comparison.

You can no longer remember what was it that makes the relationship so special. There doesn't seem to be much to talk about, and you realise that the relationship doesn't seem to be anything more than the holding of hands, the peck on the lips, the physical intimacy.

But yet, there is still the expectations, and they only get more unreasonable. There are more hurtful words, more tears, more anger and more lies.

I always thought that things were all dandy and fine, until yesterday when I found out otherwise. I never realised how much you were hiding, how little you were telling, and how you haven't been honest with me, because you thought so little of me. Now I know that's how you see me. That's all that I am to you.

Somebody slap me.

There's 8 days left to the A levels. 8 freaking short days. I didn't realise it's gonna be that fast. I never really counted.

But 8 days is really really very uber fast.

So yes, somebody slap me. I need to like STUDY and FOCUS.

Sir showed us this Dove Evolution thingy on YouTube. It's about why our perception of beauty is distorted. Then I read Mo's blog, and there was this one particular post that basically says that all women are beautiful and all women shld think of themselves as so.

So all these are like because of all the advertisements that shows off tall, skinny, stunning and super sexy models with long, flowing luscious hair and flat, firm tummies, perky asses, smooth complexion, long and toned legs, sharp and defined cheekbones, full lips... (i can go on you know) that makes us ladies (haha) all think that ok, THAT'S beauty, that's what all of us shld always strive to become. Therefore, there's all these women going on crash diets, going to slimming centres, trying to enlarge their boobs - like me. haha. just that i don't try. i just hope that they'll grow to become like oranges instead of staying as grapes. hey i'm not greedy! i only asked for oranges, i didn't ask for watermelons. but you know, grapes can't grow into oranges, let alone watermelons. haha. Okay anyway back to the point, the point being that because of this, like, subconscious (?) standard, women try too hard to achieve the perfection that is probably not all that perfect in reality. Right?

Then I was thinking, what about men? How come nobody says these affects men too? I think it does you know. Not just as in they look for this kind of ideals in women, but they also will suffer from this kind of inferiority complex right? Cos erm, there are male models? Haha. Like those men's underwear ads, those male models have like fuji apples in between their legs or something. It's like saying that if you buy my underwear, you're going to look like you have fuji apples between your legs too! You see, playing on all this suggestive, sexual stuff again. Eh, I wonder if they DI that part. Haha. Hahaha. Anyway, maybe men will look at themselves and go, oh no, mine are peanuts compared to this. That's why you have people writing in to the Ask Auntie Annie or something like that section in magazines asking for advices on how to enlarge the er.. oh whatever what the heck. You know what I mean. I just can't bring myself to say that word. And magazines like Men's Health, the guys on their cover page forever have packs, chest, broad shoulders. They're all just muscular and tanned. And oily. Yea anyway, it's like why must health be related to muscles and packs right. You won't be very unhealthy as long as your BMI is normal and you have a healthy diet right?

Anyway, Shunhong drove me around today! It was like, so cool la! Haha its like so cute and so all grown up at the same time to see him drive. So fascinating, like suddenly he can drive! (: felt like a queen, cos it's a rather big car. haha.

Yesterday, I saw the craziest advertisement for a coffee maker. I was on the train home and this guy sitting beside me was reading the newspaper. On half of one of the page was a picture of a woman sitting on a man's lap, the man had his face in the woman's neck, their hands were on each other, and the woman had a look of desire written all over her face. And there, on the bottom of the picture was the caption, "Satisfy your craving for immediate satisfaction." I think it's like that, or close. Then I was thinking, THAT is an advertisement for a COFFEE MAKER? Where's the link between a machine that makes coffee and sex? I think it's a super ultra bad advertisement. I doubt it's going to get anyone interested in their coffee maker.

It boggles the mind you know. How come all the advertisements like to glorify all the sexuality stuff? There's the ad for Imedeen with Zoe Tay spread out on the bed in lingerie with the corny "I swallow." that starts people thinking about dirty stuff. There's the ad for iGallop, actually the iGallop itself with the supposedly arousing motions that Sir says was for rich men to buy for their wives so that they can watch and get turned on. Hahaha. But I did hear that it really works for the butt and thighs though. There's more and there's that coffee maker ad. No wonder teenagers keep having sex. Cos sex keeps getting advertised.

Anyway, that was out of point and probably baseless, but you gotta admit that there's alot of emphasis on sexuality in ads.

Ahh wells. I keep feeling a little irritated.. at I don't know what.

Anyway, this is taken off Jo's blog. And it's so so sweet.

There was so much discussion about blogs and blogging during GP lessons over the past 2 weeks. Cos that was what the prelim paper was about. And all those discussion made me feel so shallow and had me thinking about the whole point of this blog. Haha.

My conclusion is that there's not much point. I don't write to update anybody. Not that anyone is interested. It's just where I can put my thoughts down into words without any pressure. Whining through blogging makes me feel better about certain stuff. It's my form of release.

There is no word strong and apt enough to describe how I'm feeling. It's that sour, sinking feeling that just.. I don't know, tightens up your lungs until you have trouble breathing. It's when all your anger dissolves into despair and hurt and contrition and all your protests and defenses just fall silent on your lips.

So I withdraw. I withdraw into that small little hole to rock and comfort myself and tell myself it's okay. That I know I'm not perfect but I'm really going to try. And the more you say, the more I withdraw, and it feels like everything's not going to be the same anymore.

I'm sorry.

I would like to say... that I'm 18 and legal!

Haha. Yes, it's a few days late I know. And I would like to say also that I love my classmates to bits and pieces and truckloads full of these bits and pieces! I am so glad the school put me in SB8. (:

Well, prelims are over. I'm secretly wishing hoping praying for a miracle. The September holidays are over and the very very very (and how much really cannot be expressed) important A's are what's left.

Oh and anyway I was thinking that there's really no point for me to blog when I don't share what's going on in my life. All you people who read my blog just read those few drab and brief sentences of nothing. But, you know what. I can't seem to put all the events in a day into words and sentences that flow and are coherent.

Yada yada.

How could you tell me that you understood, yet take it out and throw it back in my face now, again?

I don't understand. I really don't understand.

This is turning into a sad blog again. But I managed to keep it happy for a while. Haha.

Well, anyway. Shouldn't communication between people become easier and better as time passes? Cos there is better understanding and all that.

Or does communication break down because people simply just cannot be bothered anymore?

You know. I would really like to be able to press rewind and go back right to the start. Then I will rectify all the mistakes I've ever made, and maybe you will too. Cos I think that we haven't really learnt from our mistakes, we only added on more of them.

Things are not peachy. Maybe like what you said, we need a break. But I'll wait and see, because.. I have faith. In you, in me, in us.

I've been thinking.

About my life, which is a complete failure. I suddenly feel so shallow and empty and without a purpose.

I excel in nothing. I am not particularly committed to/passionate about anything. I have absolutely no goals and aims. I have done nothing that I can be proud of in my almost 18 years of life.

I am probably the laziest person alive. Even if I'm too lazy to get my too small ass off the couch to do something meaningful and enriching to my life, I should be at least be studying hard and achieving academic excellence right? But NO, not even that. I am so lazy, that if I can afford it, I can lie around in the bed/sofa the entire day. I lie down and read, lie down and study, and lie down and eat and drink if I can. Sometimes I even hold my bladder until I absolutely cannot take it anymore before I go to the toilet, simply because I can't be bothered to move. Now you get the idea.

Now I'm wondering like what the heck am I doing. Honestly, I do not want to waste my life away like this.

I swear I'm going to turn my life around.

Haha. This was on Mo's blog, and I saw my name on the to do list, so here goes!

---

~7 Random facts abt me

1)i dont really know how to do these kinda things cos i always dont know how to write
2)i always thought that these kinda things shldnt be written in proper english. to me, it's like making this thing lose its whole point
3)i always thought that i was able to prioritise very well. but ive discovered that i dont.
4)i want to be able to play smart, study smart. like shunhong's classmate jeanette. when shunhong told me how good her results were, my jaw nearly dropped. no actually, it dropped. no really, you'll believe me if you see her. she totally has a "i score A for clubbing but F for everything else" look. and she sounds like that too. but NOOO. she scores A for EVERYTHING. check out her friendster and you'll know what i mean. i wanna be like her kind!
5)i think i tend to digress
6)i hate pain
7)my self confidence is quite low. i suppose.


~7 things that scare me..

1)losing the people i love
2)dying
3)making a fool of myself in front of people that intimidates me and have them laughing at me
4)cockroaches
5)all creepy crawlies in general but esp cockraches
6)being an outcast
7)growing up


[i'm going to leave this part blank, cos im not listening to much music at the moment haha]
~7 random music at the moment
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)


~7 things i like most

1)my mother, my father and my brothers
2)shunhong
3)my friends
4)home sweet home
5)going to school and slacking ard when i can afford to
6)going out and having fun. like shopping, tanning, lanning blah blah blah
7)pretending that i can sing very well. hahaha.

[and im going to leave the following 2 parts blank too. haha. maybe someone can tell me what i say most cos i totally dont know. and anyone who wants to do this just do la.]
~7 things i say most...

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

~7 ppl to do this
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

---

Although I'm sorely disappointed, I'm not going to be selfish. But I'm not going to make any sacrifices either. Haha sounds so contradictory.

I swear I'm sincerely trying to become a better person. It took a chat with Alaric long ago, numerous "You know all my friends see you as a mean and fierce person?" from Shunhong, and some "Kiat, you're such a tyrant!" from Yan before I realised that that's how everyone sees me, and that's not what I want. Therefore there's this whole better person thing.

Honestly, I don't think I was like this last time! And I suspect that it's because of Yan. Yan in secondary school was very fierce and a tyrant herself, and I'm someone who is very easily influenced by my friends. If you haven't noticed already, I tend to pick up the way my friends speak and act. Yea I know it's like having no mind of my own. It's how I've been all along. I remember in sec 2 my form teacher told me I let myself be influenced too easily and I need to be more assertive. Haha. Anyway, Yan is who I picked up this fierce and tyrannical behaviour from. Really! Like there was this one time in sec 3 when I waited for Shunhong for one whole hour before he called and told me he couldn't come, Yan was so angry for me while I didn't really mind. Now if Shunhong does that, I will blow my top before Yan can get angry for me. Haha. Unfortunately, I'm finding it difficult trying to revert back to being secondary school Kiat. Ironically, Yan is the one that's so nice and tame now she lets herself get bullied. Haha.

Prelims is near! And I'm desperately trying to finish studying. It's not going to happen though. So I was thinking just now what if students were paid to make notes and study. Like for every chapter you make one set of notes, and you get paid 10 dollars. And for every test/exam for which you do well, you get paid 50 dollars. Something like that. I bet every student will excel in academics la. And no one will be panicking when major exams approach. Haha. But the idea is so... obscene huh. I'm so disgusted that I even thought about it. It's like so money minded and it makes education so pointless. Forget I ever mentioned it.

I just watched P.S... I Luv U. It's a damn sweet movie!

It's about this girl Xiaoyue and this guy Xin who fell in love with each other. So they dated and on Christmas Eve, Xin went to Xiaoyue's house when she wasn't in and put their pictures all over the house, and painted her wall with a picture of a cartoon couple. So cute! Well anyway, when she saw it, he told her that he'll be her guardian angel, that he'll care for her and protect her, and that he'll just be round the corner, always there for her at the turn of her head. But later that day, his mum told him that they'll have to fly to Thailand cos his dad is very ill and they have to bring him back to Singapore. He tried calling her to tell her about it but didn't manage to. So they went but the tsunami struck, and him and his parents died. The girl waited and waited for him for 3 whole years, and he came back! In a supernatural way. Just to fufil his last promise to her and to make sure that she's happy. And he did, he protected her and gave her happiness before he went away again. Tell me how sweet is that! It was sort of a happy ending and it was so touching I cried.

Well, the movie aside, I really wish that there wasn't any upcoming exams to prepare for. Cos I really need to go for some therapeutic shopping/eating/movie trip with any girlfriends who will volunteer themselves. No, I'm kidding, but I would really like to do that. You know I want to blog about what's going on, but I guess I won't. I tried like 3 times already, but erased it in the end each time. ): )':

I just realised that I like thinking about old times, cos I'm always thinking them.

I was just thinking about Shunhong and the past, and it's so amazing how far we've come. I have 4 people to thank for this.

1) Tong, for first introducing Shunhong to me by telling me that he is actually a year older than us and showing me his email address as evidence. That fact surprised me so much that I added him on MSN to tell him that he so did not look like he was a year older, and it all started from there.

2) Roxanne, for accidently blurting out that I liked Shunhong in front of Cheeguan the big mouth when it was supposed to be secret, and thus letting Cheeguan know.

3) Cheeguan, for being such a big mouth and telling Shunhong despite me warning him very sternly not to.

4) And lastly, Shunhong, for requiting my feelings.

Thinking of all the hk people makes me miss hk so much. Those were the days man. We met up every Sunday for lessons, got together to prepare for end-year productions, did the props, rehearsed, laughed over stupid jokes and gossip. You know what, I totally grew up in hk. Most of the people there I knew from all the way back. I seriously had so much fun over the years. I wish we didn't have to grow up into some defunct youth group that doesn't have weekly lessons.

When it comes to feeling unappreciated, I dare say I totally understand how it feels. Suddenly I'm full of admiration for all parents in the world who sometimes get shouted and snapped at when they try to do something for their children. Then I wonder if I ever not appreciate anyone, and Mum and Dad comes into mind. Haha. Just like what Mo said, how funny life can be, that a person who shld hate fillintheblanks, does fillintheblanks.

We're all so hypocritical, but we never realise it.

So now whenever I encounter something that makes me unhappy, I try to force myself to shut up and not say anything, and then I'll tell myself to say it's okay. Before you know it, I'll become a better person! Haha.

Sometimes things are really unfair, yet I'm in no power to protest. It's not as if 4 days (plus today) is very long, but it's eating up the little time left I have with him. This is all because of my own impatience and intolerance, I know. But I just couldn't help it, neither do I want to admit that it's my fault. Haha.

Anyway, don't you wish Singapore has a place for people to vent their frustrations? Like when you're really angry, or really upset, then you go to this place and let it all out. Haha. Like how I'm really upset now. If there's such a place, I imagine going there with plates and cups and hurling them against the wall with all my energy and scream vulgarities. Haha, okay maybe not. I'm much more civilised than that. But sometimes whenever I feel like hitting something, there's always nothing to hit, so I end up throwing my pillow against the wall, but that's like no kick la.

Oh after GP lesson yesterday, Mo, Sops, Yingling, Alaric and me, we went Swensons to eat. Then they were having this promotion that gives you unlimited scoops of ice cream at just 1 dollar with any main course or pasta. So we all went for it. It was crazy pls. Alaric ate 10 scoops, then Mo, Yingling and Sops both ate like 7 or 8 scoops, and I only ate 4. Haha I wonder how are they faring today? Probably all very heaty.

This pain is so bad it's even worse than scoring A2 for both maths at O level (I know I sound like a prick, but I really thought I could score A1s) . I'm feeling so horrible and miserable I wish someone would just come and knock me unconscious for a few days, so that when I wake up, everything will be okay again. I know you guys will probably think its insane if you find out what's making me so depressed. I'm not just depressed, I'm damn worried, and it's hurting so badly I'm losing my appetite, losing sleep, restless and distracted and I want to do is cry. The worst thing is, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've cried, prayed, hoped, wished, and God help me, I don't know who to turn to.

The unfairness of it all ):

I was watching Shoot! on Channel U, and the topic was blogs. They were discussing about all the hype about blogs and the point of blogs. And then I was like thinking, is it really such a big deal? I mean, writing is good! And honestly, I've learnt alot through blogs. Blogs like Momo's are really interesting and they get you thinking.

Oh by the way. There is bad news afterall. Shunhong's mum just delayed in complaining about me by 2 days. ): Now I'm wondering what exactly did I do wrong. I was told to be myself, and I did. By being honest and what came to mind. Oh well never mind. It's all done and over.

Communication is really important huh. If not there will be so much misunderstandings and displeasure. Life is totally going on the wrong track at the moment.

I have BIG NEWS!

I attended Shunhong's POP at Tekong yesterday! Oh but this is not the big news. The big news is, I went with his parents! HAHA so exciting. And I had dinner with them too. Contrary to what I initially thought, his parents are really nice and they're quite cute. But you know, they're quite intimidating sometimes. All in all it wasn't too bad. I think. Well, I asked Shunhong whether his parents said anything and he said no, so.. no news means good news, right? Haha.

Yan and Flor are going to be so proud of me.

Oh, there are alot of cute army boys know. Haha. I saw quite a few, and they're mostly officers. The coach for leadership workshop we had in school was quite pleasant looking too. And he went to OCS. I think it must be a trend. Or probably just that leaders tend to be good looking people. Maybe it's the other way round. Good looking people tend to be leaders. Aiya, whatever it is.

Anyway, it was raining during the parade. So everyone in the parade was drenched. I wonder how they stand it. I mean, it looks so uncomfortable with their uniform and helmets and SBO. Cos of the rain, Shunhong was so smelly! After the parade we couldn't leave, cos Mohawk was scheduled to leave the island last. So we were asked to go to the auditorium to wait and watch Mr Bean. Funny though, Mr Bean is forever so amusing no matter how many times you watch it.

Oh oh oh! Did I mention that I saw my aunt and uncle? Haha. I was actually praying that I wouldn't see them, cos I knew my cousin was in BMT too. I was kinda hoping that maybe my cousin is in school 1, or he's in another batch, or I just simply wouldn't see my aunt and uncle even if they were they. But you know what? My cousin is in Ninja, and my aunt and uncle were sitting right behind! They called me, and I turned and got a shock. So I told my aunt not to tell my mum that I was there. My aunt, who was very amused, said she knows. Haha.

You know I think the army uniform makes boys look very macho. They become men who protect the country. Haha that was cheesy. Anyway speaking of boy to man, I think Shunhong become quieter and more serious. Just a little. Maybe it's just me trying to find something out of nothing, or maybe I just never noticed it before.