Stardust

Today, I watched Stardust. It's a beautiful, magical story. It tells of love, unconditional love. Love where you just want to give somebody your whole heart for absolutely nothing in return; but only to know that that somebody loves you right back.

Is there such a love at all?

I can't do it. I can't give my whole heart to that somebody and accept everything else because I know that that somebody loves me in return. I have been selfish. I have asked and asked because I thought I deserved. I did mean, petty acts to vindicate because I felt mistreated.

Who are you, Ong Kiat Teng? Can you look into the mirror and admit to yourself that THAT is exactly who you are? Can anyone looking upon honestly use love to describe the relationship?

... For all of my faults, I really gave the relationship my all.

Tired now... don't want to have to ask myself so many questions anymore..

You know, some things just don't make any sense. NTUC Fairprice sells those Save-The-Earth type of reusable bags for a dollar right, and when someone buy it they get like the BAG itself for what it is, if you get what I mean. Today I went to NTUC Fairprice, and I saw the reusable bags displayed, nicely wrapped with a clear PLASTIC cover. And I was like what the hell?! I mean, that kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it! Here we are having campaigns against global warming and plastic bags like Bring Your Own Bag Day, so we want to encourage people to reuse plastic bags or buy that $1 reusable bag and use it right. But there NTUC goes wrapping that bag with PLASTIC. I don't know, maybe that plastic wrapping is biodegradable or something so it won't matter, but it sure as hell doesn't look like it will decompose easily. And if it's not, you can't argue that when people buy that bag and use it, the number of plastic bags not used will overshadow that single measly piece of plastic used as wrapping, simply because you want to do as much as possible to save the Earth. Hor?

This blog is dying, but really, I can't find anything blog worthy. I'm not in school anymore, so I don't really get into GPish discussions or listen to chapel preaching and those daily sharings or some of those other things that stir my brain juice and prompt me to have some opinions and thoughts.

I miss school. School gives me a purpose, a kind of drive that keeps me going and my brain running. After I left school, I realised, at least for myself, that as dull and boring school might seem to be, my time there was the most vibrant ones of my life so far. You might say that school is so routine, so restrictive, but I'll say that every day in school is a whole new learning experience and self discovery.

This long transition from jc to university has been a rather boring one. I don't want to see myself living every day like this after I come out into society. I know that ultimately, it all boils down to choice. There isn't a mould for my life to take shape to after I leave the king of all schools, university. But until I grow up and get there, I don't know how I will choose. But I sincerely hope that whatever it is, I will be happy.

When I was younger, and my parents were holding me back and restricting and watching my every move, I couldn't wait to grow up.

Now, I'm a little older, and my parents have loosened their hold, I don't wanna grow up anymore. Things were simpler, easier, when I was younger.

Sigh. We all say we must learn to appreciate what we have and all the things around us. But when will we ever learn? And when will it ever be enough?

I can't help but feel that our Singapore government has some really good debaters. Because they actually have all kinds of rebuttals for arguments against all these ministerial pay rise issue. I'm sorry, I really have nothing against our government. I'm just another empathetic youth, politics doesn't interest me. Just that some of all these word games are fascinating.

I suppose what our government says makes sense, pay hike to maintain quality and all. After all, who will be really passionate about our dear Singapore other than maybe LKY who practically moulded Singapore and her politics. In this very real and cruel world, money screams at the top of its lungs. Money: Collect me! I am POWER! Which, to digress abit, leads to corruption. So, better pay more money so our capable ministers don't run away.

But honestly, the way our government puts it, makes some millions in the double digit a year sound like money they use to carpet the floors. I think that pisses people off. I mean, to alot of people, that is really alot of money, no matter how small a fraction is it of government expenditure or GDP. I dont't think it's very nice to make it sound like people are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Anyway, I'm really being stupid. But why would you want to compete with the private sector for capable people? Aren't you just concerned that these capable people go to foreign lands? Whether they are in the public sector or private sector, ultimately the money still stays in Singapore what, doesn't it? What's the point of a capable government if there's no capable people supporting the economy? Now I have another question. What's the link between government and economy? What is economy? Are public sector and private sector both part of the economy?

Omg hahaha. I'm like totally clueless, but pretending to make sense. Haha.

I'll be very sad when the last day of work comes, cos I'm like so in love with the job. I'm sure it's like the most enjoyable admin job ever. Not enjoyable as in I look forward to going to work every day, but as in I have fun on the job and I don't pine for time to pass faster so that I can go home. But I only have a week plus left!! ):

Anyway. Maewyn and Bess from work said that to boys serving NS, their girlfriends are everything. To that I said: BULLSHIT.

Sometimes I get upset just thinking. I think that every single shit is so unfair. Can't a girl just hope for more? I feel like such an idiot.

I always do things I regret. Why did my parents give birth to such a daughter. A mean, quick tempered, vindictive daughter who doesn't want to admit her mistakes and apologise, and says mean things that hurt because she doesn't like losing. Who has never learnt to appreciate what she has and was given. I hate myself for knowingly being a bitch and a coward and a filthy hypocrite.

Sometimes things take an unexpected twist, and you don't know what to do, don't know what to feel. You tell yourself that it's ok, that this is just what you needed, you've thinking about it anyway. But under all these layers of denial, you know that no matter if at any one point of time you were so frustrated you told yourself that you're not going to fucking care anymore, it's not true at all, because you can never bring yourself not to care. Because you still feel enough to care.

I didn't realise that, but now I know. Now, after what I didn't know I least wanted to happen happened. But you gotta respect the decision. After all, what's the point of disagreeing. He's still going to feel that way, maybe worse. It's not going to change anything. It's just going to happen all over again. So, maybe this unexpected twist will be good for the both of us in the long run. Like what he said, it's just a comma to the sentence, not a full-stop. It's just a break, a.. timeout. We'll still be friends, until we're both ready to be together again. We still have the love.

So why do I feel so heartbroken. And a little.. indifferent.

This New Blogger is freaking weird. There isn't really alot of difference, but it's still not the same. I hate changes, and I avoid them if I can.

For example, my email. It's been around and in use ever since Primary 4, and it has a history. blursotong is the brainstorm of this guy by the name of Justin Lin who sat next to me in class when we were p4, cos I mentioned that I wanted to set up an email account and I needed a name for it. Being only 10 at that time, I thought it was such a freaking cool name for an email. But then, blursotong was already taken, so blursotong50 it became. 50 because I thought it was such a nice number and everything. Now, turning 19, I'm beginning to think that it's a totally dorky name for an email. Imagine next time when I'm applying for permanent jobs, and I send in my resume. The potential employers are going to go.. blursotong50?! That's so cheesy. How old is this girl anyway? She doesn't sound very intelligent. Next. And there go my chances of every getting a job. Haha. Okay I'm sure in reality my email address is not going to affect my chances of getting a job, at least not to that large an extent. The point is, even though I think is so corny and all, I can't bring myself to change it. Because it's been my email for so many years, people know me by that email, and everything is submitted/registered with that email, changing it is going to cause so much trouble and it's going to need some getting used to, and I don't want that.

Maybe it's just me, but then I'm sure people in general are more or less resistant to changes that take them out of their comfort zones. Like some sort of inertia. Why make things difficult for yourself when you can avoid it, right? Some people might just call it old school and inflexible and lazy. Which is ROAR true. My brother bought an iMAC for himself, and I told him its so difficult to use even though it looks very nice. And he told me that you just have to get used to it. Because all our lives we've been using Windows, that's why when we use Mac which is totally different we don't know how to use. So when he gets used to it, he'll be good with both. Makes him flexible. Haha.

I have a new job at Robinson. Not the departmental store. The office. And the people I'm working with are nice, friendly, young and attractive people. This job is soo much nicer than the previous one la, even though its essentially doing the same things. But then it seems slacker and easier and a whole lot more enjoyable. I'm actually enjoying the work sometimes. Oh and I get get more pay. Just a little more, but still more. So YAY! (:

Anyway, I have such SHOCKING NEWS regarding Sir I totally can't wait to ask him about it. Or squeeze an answer out of him. I'm really not looking forward to the results day for A levels, but just for this one question I want that day to come faster cos I'm freaking excited about it. I know I'm like being totally insane and crazy, but it's like OH MY GAWD KINDA UNBELIEVABLE. I hope I didn't make a mistake and got it all wrong or what, cos that would be so idiotic and very disappointing.

I feel unhappy and unwanted and old and useless and cheated.

I want school, need school, crave school. I need something to take away this time thingy that I suddenly seem to have too much off.

I need a friend to take my mind off that one guy that keeps hoarding my thoughts. And no, they're unfortunately not thoughts of love or whatever along that line. They're thoughts of.. I don't know.. disappointment, resentment. And I totally hate myself for being so possessive.

They're talking about giving the Singapore Girl a makeover in Sunday Times. I never knew they were called that, simply knew them as SIA air stewardesses. Anyway, I honestly think that there's nothing wrong with their image. It's very nice, isn't it? Elegant and sophisticated, and nowhere near suggestive or old fashioned or outdated or whatever the article said some people said, in my opinion. Ok, maybe it wouldn't do any harm if the makeup becomes more modern, but whatever they do, they should never ever ever change the kebaya uniform! That wld be such a serious mistake, because I think it's been so much a part of our Singapore identity for the longest time. Changing the kebaya uniform is like.. PAP ditching their all whites for black you know.

Anyway. I can't help but notice that girls seem to hit puberty at a younger and younger age you know. I remember Sops saying before that babies nowadays are teething earlier too. Something like last time sixth months now only four months. Haha. Right now, girls who looks as young as 9 are showing hints of breasts you know! Really!

I think I deserve to be commended for my valient efforts to keep track of my money. And due to these valient efforts, I've discovered that I'm currently in a horrible deficit of 300 over dollars, which means that I've already spent more than half of December's pay - pay that I haven't gotten yet. It's really easy to spend money. BUT. I'm really actually quite frugal already you know. If I hadn't paid for 2 months worth of phone bill, bought the ticket to Phantom of the Opera and a horribly expensive present, I wldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't even be in deficit. So you see, I really frugal. Haha.

OK. I know I'm just lying to myself.

It's a little obscene to leave off the last entry just like that, considering what it was about. But well.

There's no school and there's absolutely nothing to do. And my social life is pathetic. Other than the super boring job, I spend most of my weekday evenings and weekends lying around, reading trashy library books and re-reading Harry Potter. I'm not learning new stuff or upgrading myself or anything and I'm just living by the day. No aim, no goal, nothing. My life isn't just stagnant. It's starting to look really down. I swear I was so much better off in school.

This is so depressing. I should get out of this place and go overseas or something. I hate the way things are going in my life now. If I still have one.