This sucks. It's so unfair! I need some breasts, give me some breasts! At least give me just enough so that I can at least fit into the smallest sizes of clothes. I'm damn sad I always cannot even wear them, and its ALWAYS ALWAYS cos my breasts are too small.

): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

So. It's over.

I've thought, dreamt, and fantasized about the kind of exhilaration I would feel the moment I finish the last of my papers ever since I got my Confirmation Slip. And when that day finally came, I felt a strange sense of loss instead. Somehow I just feel so reluctant to leave the past 2 years behind. It's like suddenly you lose the one thing that your life is centred about, the one thing that keeps you going, and then you just feel that your life has come to a standstill. I was packing my room that day, and looking at all my lecture notes and tutorials that I've done and I felt so super sad. You know I don't think its possible to truly appreciate things until it's kinda gone. Suddenly all the small bits and pieces of life that didn't seem to matter at that point of time now gets blown up into gigantic proportions and you realised that it actually meant so damn much.

I never thought I will feel this way, but I'm really going to miss studying and going to school.

I just saw my brother's wedding photos. Omg nice nice nice nice! I was so attracted to the evening gown my brother's girlfriend, ok maybe it's time to say my sister in law, was wearing that I kept staring at it la. It's really really nice! Anyway she's sooo pretty!

Makes me wanna take some wedding photos, wear some pretty gowns and be pretty too.

I've decided to spice this place up with some random photos! haha.













Mo and me!












I like this picture. I think we look so cosied up cos Mo looks kinda squashed. Haha. But Yuen Kay's missing though.












With Yuen Kay this time.












Group photo after SP's Superstar! See Angela? So pretty! (:












Haha! Such inappropriate behaviour.












Gay partners.












Muggers forever!











My favourite. Genius at work.












Happy days.












Mr Daniel Tan. The teacher who's sometimes more like a friend and mentor than a teacher.












Miss Baljeet Kaur.












Mr Daniel Sun.













I don't know how to flip the photo! But anyway, Mr Daniel Khor!






Haha. I wanted to upload all the Baccalaureate photos. But blogger is so image-uploading unfriendly I can't be bothered. So there's only the photos with the teachers. It's seriously damn difficult, I wonder how come those people with alot of photos on their blogs have so much patience.

Speaking of patience. I was thinking. Patience is a virtue. Tolerance is a freaking skill.

With time, cracks appear in a relationship.

Suddenly, all your flaws become magnified and all your sacrifices become so small in comparison.

You can no longer remember what was it that makes the relationship so special. There doesn't seem to be much to talk about, and you realise that the relationship doesn't seem to be anything more than the holding of hands, the peck on the lips, the physical intimacy.

But yet, there is still the expectations, and they only get more unreasonable. There are more hurtful words, more tears, more anger and more lies.

I always thought that things were all dandy and fine, until yesterday when I found out otherwise. I never realised how much you were hiding, how little you were telling, and how you haven't been honest with me, because you thought so little of me. Now I know that's how you see me. That's all that I am to you.

Somebody slap me.

There's 8 days left to the A levels. 8 freaking short days. I didn't realise it's gonna be that fast. I never really counted.

But 8 days is really really very uber fast.

So yes, somebody slap me. I need to like STUDY and FOCUS.

Sir showed us this Dove Evolution thingy on YouTube. It's about why our perception of beauty is distorted. Then I read Mo's blog, and there was this one particular post that basically says that all women are beautiful and all women shld think of themselves as so.

So all these are like because of all the advertisements that shows off tall, skinny, stunning and super sexy models with long, flowing luscious hair and flat, firm tummies, perky asses, smooth complexion, long and toned legs, sharp and defined cheekbones, full lips... (i can go on you know) that makes us ladies (haha) all think that ok, THAT'S beauty, that's what all of us shld always strive to become. Therefore, there's all these women going on crash diets, going to slimming centres, trying to enlarge their boobs - like me. haha. just that i don't try. i just hope that they'll grow to become like oranges instead of staying as grapes. hey i'm not greedy! i only asked for oranges, i didn't ask for watermelons. but you know, grapes can't grow into oranges, let alone watermelons. haha. Okay anyway back to the point, the point being that because of this, like, subconscious (?) standard, women try too hard to achieve the perfection that is probably not all that perfect in reality. Right?

Then I was thinking, what about men? How come nobody says these affects men too? I think it does you know. Not just as in they look for this kind of ideals in women, but they also will suffer from this kind of inferiority complex right? Cos erm, there are male models? Haha. Like those men's underwear ads, those male models have like fuji apples in between their legs or something. It's like saying that if you buy my underwear, you're going to look like you have fuji apples between your legs too! You see, playing on all this suggestive, sexual stuff again. Eh, I wonder if they DI that part. Haha. Hahaha. Anyway, maybe men will look at themselves and go, oh no, mine are peanuts compared to this. That's why you have people writing in to the Ask Auntie Annie or something like that section in magazines asking for advices on how to enlarge the er.. oh whatever what the heck. You know what I mean. I just can't bring myself to say that word. And magazines like Men's Health, the guys on their cover page forever have packs, chest, broad shoulders. They're all just muscular and tanned. And oily. Yea anyway, it's like why must health be related to muscles and packs right. You won't be very unhealthy as long as your BMI is normal and you have a healthy diet right?

Anyway, Shunhong drove me around today! It was like, so cool la! Haha its like so cute and so all grown up at the same time to see him drive. So fascinating, like suddenly he can drive! (: felt like a queen, cos it's a rather big car. haha.

Yesterday, I saw the craziest advertisement for a coffee maker. I was on the train home and this guy sitting beside me was reading the newspaper. On half of one of the page was a picture of a woman sitting on a man's lap, the man had his face in the woman's neck, their hands were on each other, and the woman had a look of desire written all over her face. And there, on the bottom of the picture was the caption, "Satisfy your craving for immediate satisfaction." I think it's like that, or close. Then I was thinking, THAT is an advertisement for a COFFEE MAKER? Where's the link between a machine that makes coffee and sex? I think it's a super ultra bad advertisement. I doubt it's going to get anyone interested in their coffee maker.

It boggles the mind you know. How come all the advertisements like to glorify all the sexuality stuff? There's the ad for Imedeen with Zoe Tay spread out on the bed in lingerie with the corny "I swallow." that starts people thinking about dirty stuff. There's the ad for iGallop, actually the iGallop itself with the supposedly arousing motions that Sir says was for rich men to buy for their wives so that they can watch and get turned on. Hahaha. But I did hear that it really works for the butt and thighs though. There's more and there's that coffee maker ad. No wonder teenagers keep having sex. Cos sex keeps getting advertised.

Anyway, that was out of point and probably baseless, but you gotta admit that there's alot of emphasis on sexuality in ads.

Ahh wells. I keep feeling a little irritated.. at I don't know what.

Anyway, this is taken off Jo's blog. And it's so so sweet.

There was so much discussion about blogs and blogging during GP lessons over the past 2 weeks. Cos that was what the prelim paper was about. And all those discussion made me feel so shallow and had me thinking about the whole point of this blog. Haha.

My conclusion is that there's not much point. I don't write to update anybody. Not that anyone is interested. It's just where I can put my thoughts down into words without any pressure. Whining through blogging makes me feel better about certain stuff. It's my form of release.

There is no word strong and apt enough to describe how I'm feeling. It's that sour, sinking feeling that just.. I don't know, tightens up your lungs until you have trouble breathing. It's when all your anger dissolves into despair and hurt and contrition and all your protests and defenses just fall silent on your lips.

So I withdraw. I withdraw into that small little hole to rock and comfort myself and tell myself it's okay. That I know I'm not perfect but I'm really going to try. And the more you say, the more I withdraw, and it feels like everything's not going to be the same anymore.

I'm sorry.

I would like to say... that I'm 18 and legal!

Haha. Yes, it's a few days late I know. And I would like to say also that I love my classmates to bits and pieces and truckloads full of these bits and pieces! I am so glad the school put me in SB8. (:

Well, prelims are over. I'm secretly wishing hoping praying for a miracle. The September holidays are over and the very very very (and how much really cannot be expressed) important A's are what's left.

Oh and anyway I was thinking that there's really no point for me to blog when I don't share what's going on in my life. All you people who read my blog just read those few drab and brief sentences of nothing. But, you know what. I can't seem to put all the events in a day into words and sentences that flow and are coherent.

Yada yada.

How could you tell me that you understood, yet take it out and throw it back in my face now, again?

I don't understand. I really don't understand.

This is turning into a sad blog again. But I managed to keep it happy for a while. Haha.

Well, anyway. Shouldn't communication between people become easier and better as time passes? Cos there is better understanding and all that.

Or does communication break down because people simply just cannot be bothered anymore?

You know. I would really like to be able to press rewind and go back right to the start. Then I will rectify all the mistakes I've ever made, and maybe you will too. Cos I think that we haven't really learnt from our mistakes, we only added on more of them.

Things are not peachy. Maybe like what you said, we need a break. But I'll wait and see, because.. I have faith. In you, in me, in us.

I've been thinking.

About my life, which is a complete failure. I suddenly feel so shallow and empty and without a purpose.

I excel in nothing. I am not particularly committed to/passionate about anything. I have absolutely no goals and aims. I have done nothing that I can be proud of in my almost 18 years of life.

I am probably the laziest person alive. Even if I'm too lazy to get my too small ass off the couch to do something meaningful and enriching to my life, I should be at least be studying hard and achieving academic excellence right? But NO, not even that. I am so lazy, that if I can afford it, I can lie around in the bed/sofa the entire day. I lie down and read, lie down and study, and lie down and eat and drink if I can. Sometimes I even hold my bladder until I absolutely cannot take it anymore before I go to the toilet, simply because I can't be bothered to move. Now you get the idea.

Now I'm wondering like what the heck am I doing. Honestly, I do not want to waste my life away like this.

I swear I'm going to turn my life around.

Haha. This was on Mo's blog, and I saw my name on the to do list, so here goes!

---

~7 Random facts abt me

1)i dont really know how to do these kinda things cos i always dont know how to write
2)i always thought that these kinda things shldnt be written in proper english. to me, it's like making this thing lose its whole point
3)i always thought that i was able to prioritise very well. but ive discovered that i dont.
4)i want to be able to play smart, study smart. like shunhong's classmate jeanette. when shunhong told me how good her results were, my jaw nearly dropped. no actually, it dropped. no really, you'll believe me if you see her. she totally has a "i score A for clubbing but F for everything else" look. and she sounds like that too. but NOOO. she scores A for EVERYTHING. check out her friendster and you'll know what i mean. i wanna be like her kind!
5)i think i tend to digress
6)i hate pain
7)my self confidence is quite low. i suppose.


~7 things that scare me..

1)losing the people i love
2)dying
3)making a fool of myself in front of people that intimidates me and have them laughing at me
4)cockroaches
5)all creepy crawlies in general but esp cockraches
6)being an outcast
7)growing up


[i'm going to leave this part blank, cos im not listening to much music at the moment haha]
~7 random music at the moment
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)


~7 things i like most

1)my mother, my father and my brothers
2)shunhong
3)my friends
4)home sweet home
5)going to school and slacking ard when i can afford to
6)going out and having fun. like shopping, tanning, lanning blah blah blah
7)pretending that i can sing very well. hahaha.

[and im going to leave the following 2 parts blank too. haha. maybe someone can tell me what i say most cos i totally dont know. and anyone who wants to do this just do la.]
~7 things i say most...

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

~7 ppl to do this
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

---

Although I'm sorely disappointed, I'm not going to be selfish. But I'm not going to make any sacrifices either. Haha sounds so contradictory.

I swear I'm sincerely trying to become a better person. It took a chat with Alaric long ago, numerous "You know all my friends see you as a mean and fierce person?" from Shunhong, and some "Kiat, you're such a tyrant!" from Yan before I realised that that's how everyone sees me, and that's not what I want. Therefore there's this whole better person thing.

Honestly, I don't think I was like this last time! And I suspect that it's because of Yan. Yan in secondary school was very fierce and a tyrant herself, and I'm someone who is very easily influenced by my friends. If you haven't noticed already, I tend to pick up the way my friends speak and act. Yea I know it's like having no mind of my own. It's how I've been all along. I remember in sec 2 my form teacher told me I let myself be influenced too easily and I need to be more assertive. Haha. Anyway, Yan is who I picked up this fierce and tyrannical behaviour from. Really! Like there was this one time in sec 3 when I waited for Shunhong for one whole hour before he called and told me he couldn't come, Yan was so angry for me while I didn't really mind. Now if Shunhong does that, I will blow my top before Yan can get angry for me. Haha. Unfortunately, I'm finding it difficult trying to revert back to being secondary school Kiat. Ironically, Yan is the one that's so nice and tame now she lets herself get bullied. Haha.

Prelims is near! And I'm desperately trying to finish studying. It's not going to happen though. So I was thinking just now what if students were paid to make notes and study. Like for every chapter you make one set of notes, and you get paid 10 dollars. And for every test/exam for which you do well, you get paid 50 dollars. Something like that. I bet every student will excel in academics la. And no one will be panicking when major exams approach. Haha. But the idea is so... obscene huh. I'm so disgusted that I even thought about it. It's like so money minded and it makes education so pointless. Forget I ever mentioned it.

I just watched P.S... I Luv U. It's a damn sweet movie!

It's about this girl Xiaoyue and this guy Xin who fell in love with each other. So they dated and on Christmas Eve, Xin went to Xiaoyue's house when she wasn't in and put their pictures all over the house, and painted her wall with a picture of a cartoon couple. So cute! Well anyway, when she saw it, he told her that he'll be her guardian angel, that he'll care for her and protect her, and that he'll just be round the corner, always there for her at the turn of her head. But later that day, his mum told him that they'll have to fly to Thailand cos his dad is very ill and they have to bring him back to Singapore. He tried calling her to tell her about it but didn't manage to. So they went but the tsunami struck, and him and his parents died. The girl waited and waited for him for 3 whole years, and he came back! In a supernatural way. Just to fufil his last promise to her and to make sure that she's happy. And he did, he protected her and gave her happiness before he went away again. Tell me how sweet is that! It was sort of a happy ending and it was so touching I cried.

Well, the movie aside, I really wish that there wasn't any upcoming exams to prepare for. Cos I really need to go for some therapeutic shopping/eating/movie trip with any girlfriends who will volunteer themselves. No, I'm kidding, but I would really like to do that. You know I want to blog about what's going on, but I guess I won't. I tried like 3 times already, but erased it in the end each time. ): )':

I just realised that I like thinking about old times, cos I'm always thinking them.

I was just thinking about Shunhong and the past, and it's so amazing how far we've come. I have 4 people to thank for this.

1) Tong, for first introducing Shunhong to me by telling me that he is actually a year older than us and showing me his email address as evidence. That fact surprised me so much that I added him on MSN to tell him that he so did not look like he was a year older, and it all started from there.

2) Roxanne, for accidently blurting out that I liked Shunhong in front of Cheeguan the big mouth when it was supposed to be secret, and thus letting Cheeguan know.

3) Cheeguan, for being such a big mouth and telling Shunhong despite me warning him very sternly not to.

4) And lastly, Shunhong, for requiting my feelings.

Thinking of all the hk people makes me miss hk so much. Those were the days man. We met up every Sunday for lessons, got together to prepare for end-year productions, did the props, rehearsed, laughed over stupid jokes and gossip. You know what, I totally grew up in hk. Most of the people there I knew from all the way back. I seriously had so much fun over the years. I wish we didn't have to grow up into some defunct youth group that doesn't have weekly lessons.

When it comes to feeling unappreciated, I dare say I totally understand how it feels. Suddenly I'm full of admiration for all parents in the world who sometimes get shouted and snapped at when they try to do something for their children. Then I wonder if I ever not appreciate anyone, and Mum and Dad comes into mind. Haha. Just like what Mo said, how funny life can be, that a person who shld hate fillintheblanks, does fillintheblanks.

We're all so hypocritical, but we never realise it.

So now whenever I encounter something that makes me unhappy, I try to force myself to shut up and not say anything, and then I'll tell myself to say it's okay. Before you know it, I'll become a better person! Haha.

Sometimes things are really unfair, yet I'm in no power to protest. It's not as if 4 days (plus today) is very long, but it's eating up the little time left I have with him. This is all because of my own impatience and intolerance, I know. But I just couldn't help it, neither do I want to admit that it's my fault. Haha.

Anyway, don't you wish Singapore has a place for people to vent their frustrations? Like when you're really angry, or really upset, then you go to this place and let it all out. Haha. Like how I'm really upset now. If there's such a place, I imagine going there with plates and cups and hurling them against the wall with all my energy and scream vulgarities. Haha, okay maybe not. I'm much more civilised than that. But sometimes whenever I feel like hitting something, there's always nothing to hit, so I end up throwing my pillow against the wall, but that's like no kick la.

Oh after GP lesson yesterday, Mo, Sops, Yingling, Alaric and me, we went Swensons to eat. Then they were having this promotion that gives you unlimited scoops of ice cream at just 1 dollar with any main course or pasta. So we all went for it. It was crazy pls. Alaric ate 10 scoops, then Mo, Yingling and Sops both ate like 7 or 8 scoops, and I only ate 4. Haha I wonder how are they faring today? Probably all very heaty.

This pain is so bad it's even worse than scoring A2 for both maths at O level (I know I sound like a prick, but I really thought I could score A1s) . I'm feeling so horrible and miserable I wish someone would just come and knock me unconscious for a few days, so that when I wake up, everything will be okay again. I know you guys will probably think its insane if you find out what's making me so depressed. I'm not just depressed, I'm damn worried, and it's hurting so badly I'm losing my appetite, losing sleep, restless and distracted and I want to do is cry. The worst thing is, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've cried, prayed, hoped, wished, and God help me, I don't know who to turn to.

The unfairness of it all ):

I was watching Shoot! on Channel U, and the topic was blogs. They were discussing about all the hype about blogs and the point of blogs. And then I was like thinking, is it really such a big deal? I mean, writing is good! And honestly, I've learnt alot through blogs. Blogs like Momo's are really interesting and they get you thinking.

Oh by the way. There is bad news afterall. Shunhong's mum just delayed in complaining about me by 2 days. ): Now I'm wondering what exactly did I do wrong. I was told to be myself, and I did. By being honest and what came to mind. Oh well never mind. It's all done and over.

Communication is really important huh. If not there will be so much misunderstandings and displeasure. Life is totally going on the wrong track at the moment.

I have BIG NEWS!

I attended Shunhong's POP at Tekong yesterday! Oh but this is not the big news. The big news is, I went with his parents! HAHA so exciting. And I had dinner with them too. Contrary to what I initially thought, his parents are really nice and they're quite cute. But you know, they're quite intimidating sometimes. All in all it wasn't too bad. I think. Well, I asked Shunhong whether his parents said anything and he said no, so.. no news means good news, right? Haha.

Yan and Flor are going to be so proud of me.

Oh, there are alot of cute army boys know. Haha. I saw quite a few, and they're mostly officers. The coach for leadership workshop we had in school was quite pleasant looking too. And he went to OCS. I think it must be a trend. Or probably just that leaders tend to be good looking people. Maybe it's the other way round. Good looking people tend to be leaders. Aiya, whatever it is.

Anyway, it was raining during the parade. So everyone in the parade was drenched. I wonder how they stand it. I mean, it looks so uncomfortable with their uniform and helmets and SBO. Cos of the rain, Shunhong was so smelly! After the parade we couldn't leave, cos Mohawk was scheduled to leave the island last. So we were asked to go to the auditorium to wait and watch Mr Bean. Funny though, Mr Bean is forever so amusing no matter how many times you watch it.

Oh oh oh! Did I mention that I saw my aunt and uncle? Haha. I was actually praying that I wouldn't see them, cos I knew my cousin was in BMT too. I was kinda hoping that maybe my cousin is in school 1, or he's in another batch, or I just simply wouldn't see my aunt and uncle even if they were they. But you know what? My cousin is in Ninja, and my aunt and uncle were sitting right behind! They called me, and I turned and got a shock. So I told my aunt not to tell my mum that I was there. My aunt, who was very amused, said she knows. Haha.

You know I think the army uniform makes boys look very macho. They become men who protect the country. Haha that was cheesy. Anyway speaking of boy to man, I think Shunhong become quieter and more serious. Just a little. Maybe it's just me trying to find something out of nothing, or maybe I just never noticed it before.

I just remembered something I wanted to blog about a long time ago but didn't, and since I'm so bored now I must as well do it.

That day I was on the bus home with Weeshian. Then he said hi to this guy. So I thought, oh must be someone he knows, cos the guy said hi back. I mean, anyone will think so right?Then Weeshian went on to ask the guy where he was going and the guy replied saying that he was going to meet a friend. After this the guy alighted. Then after a while Weeshian turned to me and you know what he actually said? He said that he mistook that guy for his cousin!!!

Haha. So strange right. If you think about it it's already so weird not to regconise your own cousin. It's even weirder if that guy didn't know who Weeshian was yet he was so friendly! If it was me I will be so puzzled if some stranger came up to me and said hi. I think I will ask the person if I knew who he/she was, and not make small talk. Maybe the guy thought he knew Weeshian too.

I wonder if it's meant to be. That we know some people and don't know other. I'm a strong believer of fate, cos I can't find better reasons to account for the people who come into our lives. Whether they stay or go, I think they in our lives to teach us things and help us grow. Just like how we are in other people's lives for a reason too.

Anyway, my brother was saying that he thought it was stupid to talk to babies using baby talk. He said that it would only make the babies less intelligent because you're indulging your baby in unintelligent and silly language. Like when when you want your baby to eat, you just say Eat, you don't go Mum mum, like what people usually do. Haha. Quite true, huh. Why on earth do people baby talk to babies anyway? I was wondering. We don't actually remember anything from before we learn how to speak right? You think babies actually think/understand anything during that period of time? Maybe the moment they learn how to speak they forget everything before that cos then they understand what's going on around them and they cannot comprehend not understanding. But then again learning and understanding is a gradual process and not something that happens in a split second huh. I wonder how it really happens. How come we cannot remember anything!! The human brain is so intriguing.

Oh I read Dan Brown's Digital Fortress. That's the last of his books I read. All his books are like the same! The mastermind is ALWAYS someone you wouldn't expect. Or rather someone that pretends to be concerned about what's going on but end up he's the mastermind. Then everyone will feel cheated/shocked. And he always manage to slip in some love story in the plot. Haha. You know maybe he's trying to say through his books that humans are unfathomable and while there is love in this world, there are lies and deception too.

Haha. I took Mo's advice and now everyone and anyone can leave comments! Yay. But I got a guestbook anyway.

Oh look at Mo's comment! She was wondering where does all the stuff go since black holes doesn't seem to have depths. But then even if black holes have depths the stuff can't possibly stay in there cos then it won't be a vacuum anymore and it will stop sucking in stuff. And I suppose the vacuums remain as vacuums right? So the stuff it sucks in just... disappears into thin air. There wasn't even air to begin with. So that means you can't atomise if you get sucked in either right? Cos atoms are still something even though you cant see them and there isn't air for the atoms to integrate into. You know what, there must really be another dimension, and that dimension must have alot of rubbish.

Why does every one think that we can time travel? It doesn't sound logical to me that you can turn time back. Then how come there isn't such technology now? Well anyway if we really can time travel then it'll be so cool! I wonder if we can change stuff while we're time travelling too. Then we can go back in time and fix problems like pollution so Mother Earth wouldn't be in the state it is in now. And we wouldn't have to put in so much effort to cut down carbon dioxide emissions. But then alot of people will lose their jobs.

Oh Mo! I didn't realise that you watched that show too! It was so sad!

Anyway, I was in town with Shunhong on Sunday and this two people approached us to do a survey. It was a Da Vinci Code survey. Haha. Shunhong thought they were doing PW. I thought it was pretty obvious that they were from Church. And they started asking us questions like whether we think the stuff in the book are true and shared some experiences with us cos we weren't Christians. So after that I asked Shunhong whether he will go to Church when he grows up and he said of course and that he will want his children to go to Church too. I asked him why, and he said because his heart tells him to. Quite right huh. I suppose it will be wierd to have been in a methodist school for 10 years and not believe in Christ. But his parents goes to the temple and when you're young you just do whatever your parents do. Oh well he said that actually he should alr be going to church.

Oh, I saw an advertisement on television for NUS Business School. It shows this Caucasian girl who just received a letter saying that she've been accepted to NUS and she and her mom just went SINGAPORE! with absolute joy. Haha. It's kinda corny, cos it just doesn't seem right that Caucasians should think that it's prestigious to come to Singapore and study in NUS. I know NUS is one of the better universities in the world. But all the really REALLY prestigious universities and colleges are in the western countries (the whole world wants to go these uni, not just Asians alone), and Asians always think that western countries are much cooler in terms of their lifestyle and size and all. So you always see Singaporeans go Wow! Yay! when they get to go overseas to further their studies, and the school doesn't necessarily have to be better than NUS. If it is, well, all the more better. But you would think its wierd if Caucasians are so happy to be coming to an Asian country to study, with all the western discrimination against asians and all. I wonder what the advertisement is trying to say. It looks to me like it's silently admitting that Westerners are of a higher class than Asians although the basic idea it's trying to convey is that NUS Business School is very good. Oh the advertisement ended with the mother telling the daughter that there are lots of cute guys in Singapore. -_-.

This is a follow up on the previous entry, cos I was just thinking about what Weeshian said about faith.

Faith is believing in something you cannot see. So that prayer I was talking about that totally didn't sound like it will happen is about faith. All prayers are about faith. All religions are about faith. Amazing how I just realised this.

I think it's so hard to have faith, and if you have faith, it's even harder to keep faith. But I think we all need faith, because well, if we base every thing just on what we see, then the world will be a whole lot less meaningful because there won't be anything to live and work for anymore.

Faith is such a powerful word. It has so much depth and meaning to it. Just like how Beautiful is such a strong description. And you know what, I think Shunhong is beautiful.

Passion AC.

You know, I think Christianity has fascinating stories. Can you call them stories? Oh well, okay, prophecies. Yea we talked about them alot today, and also about stuff that boggles the mind. Like how religion and the whole idea of a God came about since the beginning of the world. There are lots of religions right? So where did all these beliefs originate from? Honestly, I don't think there can ever be an answer to this.

Then we went on to talk about whether we can ever time travel, like go back in time so that we can answer all our questions about religion. Daryl was saying that he thinks it's possible to travel in time, as long as you can make yourself travel faster than the speed of light. Something just like how the light from stars that are already dead can still be seen on Earth. I didn't really get that, but I thought that if it's really something like that then you can only travel to the future and not back to the past right? Then again, what's the link between light and time and what about being able to travel faster than light that makes you able to transcend time? It seriously boggles the mind you know. Anyway I don't think we can time travel. Haha.

Then we talked about time as different dimensions. Like every minute, every second, maybe even every split second being a different dimension. And we also talked about just different dimensions in general. Sops was saying that those little black holes (which I didn't know about) in space that are just vacuum has so much energy (does vacuum have energy?) that if you get sucked into them you'll just atomise. I don't know if that is exactly what she said but that is what I remember. And then she said that maybe beyond the black hole its just another dimension. So I asked her what's in that dimension, and she said that nobody will know because anyone who goes in there will atomise and never come back out. Then Momo laughed and said that that's just like asking what is heaven and what is it like. Haha. I wonder if Sops was just talking nonsense. Oh and we talked about space suits too. Like astronauts have to wear space suits so that they can step on the moon and stuff like that without exploding cos of the pressure difference between your body and the vacuum in space right? Then I was wondering how does a space suit prevent you from exploding in space. Regulate the pressure? How? I can't imagine exploding from inside out. That's so horrible and painful but I think it must be an instant death. Then now I'm thinking if there is anything beyond space, as in the universe, and beyond that and beyond some more, or does it stretch to infinity and never ends. Maybe that's why you can derive the gravitational potential energy formula from the assumption that energy at infinity is zero and any object at a distance before infinity has a GPE and it's negative and use the formula for planets in space. But, what is infinity in the first place?

You know what, am I posing intelligent science questions or am I just being plain stupid by asking funny questions that sounds like science fiction? Haha, maybe it is and I'm just thinking too much. Well, back to the main point of religion. Just now during Passion AC they had a prayer about letting the nation be God's nation. I think nation as in Singapore. I was thinking how is that even remotely possible when Singapore is a secular state and is multicultural? Sounds so GP but yea how is Singapore going to belief and worship Christ as a nation when we have different races=cultural difference=different religion=different beliefs and different Gods. Aiya I don't know if I heard it right cos they were singing and praying at the same time but I thought that's what I heard.

Okay, this whole entire entry is random and pointless because it doesn't make any sense and I do think I sound very ignorant and brainless. I'm like talking about a religion which I don't even understand and science which doesn't even sound logical. I hope I don't offend anyone who reads this and no one thinks I'm being stupid.

Went down to watch the netball finals against HCI. Well, HCI won, but the match was like nothing I've seen before. It was so exciting and so heart-attackish I kept forgetting to cheer. I'm sorry to say this, but the HCI netball team looked like it has better defence and their girls were faster. But I tell you, AC's netball girls were fantastic! They put up such a good hard fight and I really mean a GOOD HARD FIGHT. I think that's why the match was so exciting and they lost by such a small margin. Three cheers for the AC netball team!

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I was just thinking about stuff that I've heard that I'll rather not hear. Like yesterday when Mo, Daniel and I went for lunch at Taka and he had to leave for tuition after that so he said goodbye. Then after a while he smsed me and told me that he realised that he didn't say bye to me and he apologised for it. I was like Okay... cos all along I thought that he was saying bye to both Mo and me. But actually he only remembered to say bye to Momo. At that point of time I was wondering if I'm really that insignificant. Then after thinking about it, he did apologise when he didn't have to so I guess I'm not that insignificant yet. And I thought some more and realised that I myself forget people some times too, neither am I equally nice to everyone so it wouldn't be justified if I got all angry and upset over it.

Then today I was thinking about what Alaric told me once. Something like he knows "we" (I don't know who the "we" is referring to. Maybe he didn't say we but something else.) are quite mean to me sometimes, but I should really start being a better person. I wanted to ask when has anyone in class been mean to me, because I don't remember any cases of it. But I decided that I didn't really want to hear it and make myself feel more terrible than I already did. Maybe they really meant it when they insulted me and it's not a joke like what I thought it was. Maybe something else. Or maybe his definition of mean it's simply not the same as mine. While we're on this, I wonder if I did become a better person or not. I should ask Alaric since he was the one who brought it up. I shall ask him now.

Do you think that if I was nicer, more vulnerable and pretty and girly, people will be more protective of me? Haha was just thinking cos just now Weeshian suggested that Yuenkay take a longer way to avoid stepping down a wall of approximately 60cm? Then he helped her down when he couldn't find a way. I thought that was pretty cute cos I don't think anybody will do that to me. And there are lots of other incidents too that I won't mention but yea just wondering.

Oh anyway I should really get down to replying Tong's letter. But I've got so much to tell her that I don't know where to start with so I just keep on procrastinating. It's been like a month? I feel so bad. Hmm.

You know what. I think being able to dance is so cool!!

Honestly. I've always been full of admiration for those who can dance. Like last time when there was hk lessons there always was dancing. As in the really those that have to shake your ass and do body waves and stuff like that sort of dance. Of course it was simplified to accomodate people like me who look like clowns la. Yea, but there was people who can really dance, like Char, Wanjun, Sheila, Chermaine... and I'll be like Wow.

Haha. I've always secretly hoped that I can dance. Ok it's not much of a secret I think 1 or 2 people know it but I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO DANCE WELL! And I secretly like dancing too. Oh well I have bones and muscles that are as flexible as tree branches so I doubt my wish gonna come true. But I used to be able to bend all the way backwards ok. That was when I was still in Chinese dance.. er primary 3? Back then I already never showed much talent for dancing. Whole day get scolded by the teacher for not doing this and that properly. I still remember one time during one performance we were all supposed to lie on our side and do some pretty arm wave thing for a certain number of counts then roll to the front to do something else. Guess what I did? I continued doing my pretty arm wave after the designated counts and the music had alr moved on and I didn't even realised the entire group had already rolled forward. The teacher had to hiss at me from backstage. Haha how embarrassing! I was so traumatised I quit a short while after that.

Well anyway, next time when I have children of my own I'm going to make my daughter learn how to dance because it's just so pretty and glamorous! And I'm going to make my son learn the piano so that girls will be as impressed with him as I am with Shunhong. Then I'm going to make them take up some sports so that they will be sporty. Maybe tennis for the girl, and track for the boy. Haha I'm going to make such a terrible mother when I grow up.

I hate shows with sad endings. Why must shows have sad endings!! I just watched the final episode of this Chinese martial arts show with an ending so horribly sad it shouldn't even be filmed in the first place. What insane show starts out with 7 good friends and ends with only 1 left. I'm damn sad now I don't know how to describe the kind of heaviness and sadness I feel. Yea it's just a show but its so inhumane!

We talked abit about politics in GP class today.

Then after class I was thinking, why is politics so complicated and mean? If you have an office job, there are all the hush-hush issues and the stabs-in-the-back, and you go, Oh, those are office politics. Actually, I'm not sure if what I just said is true la. Haha. But whenever we try to get hints for exams from our maths teacher, he/she (this is for secrecy) will say "I don't know. I haven't seen the paper. I will see the paper when you people see it." And when we ask why, he/she will go "Aiya, politics, politics."

Being one of the politically apathetic youths, I didn't really understand what that statement meant. And even after the numerous GP lessons about it, I still don't know what politics is all about. And this is the definition from Wikipedia.

Politics is a process by which decisions are made within groups. Although the term is generally applied to behavior within governments, politics is observed in all human (and many non-human) group interactions, including corporate, academic, and religious institutions.

Well, anyhow, I think politics is bad. It probably has the ability to turn the kindest, most sincere soul into some kind of mean, evil and ugly warlock. But then again, will there be countries at all without politics? How about law and order? Will the world be in chaos?

You know what, I think I should just stop talking about something I have absolutely no clue about cos I'm obviously making a fool of myself here. ):

I think I'm so useless you know.

My mum asked me to email the CPF to ask something about her application for the Workfare Bonus Scheme. So I did. Then they replied, and I was like huh, what is the person talking about? But that shouldn't be my fault right? I mean, I don't know anything about the Progress Package/Workfare Bonus Scheme since it doesn't concern me. Well anyway, so I had to get my brother and he clarified some stuff with the person. Today, the person replied again and said stuff like ok we'll look into it and blah blah blah, and I wanted to reply to thank the person but I didn't know how to go about doing it. Do I say, Your kind help is greatly appreciated. Thank you? But that doesn't sound right. So once again, I had to get my brother to do it. ):

So useless right. I never liked writing formal letters in secondary school. The sentence structure just never seem to sound appropriately formal. I think I better learn soon. I'm almost 18!

Just now, I was thinking about chapel today. Then, I thought about Lifeng cos she led chapel today. I think she's so smart it's unbelievable. I'm damn awed by her every time I think about it. How is anybody capable of having so many commitments, yet graduate with distinctions in every thing including S papers? There's only 24 hours in a day. Ok, but this is not the point.

The point is when I thought about Lifeng, I thought about Shunhong telling me about what Lifeng said during Honours Night last year. And then I thought about Shunhong telling me that looking back, he's glad that his 2 years in junior college was so fufilling and enriching and colourful. I remember telling him to shut up, because I was so upset that my junior college years is exactly the opposite of his and it's ending soon.

You should see Shunhong's CCA record. It's 3 pages long and it's impressive. He did qualify for Honours Night right. There's @artikulation, Kronos!, EnCOre, SYF CO, college sports meet, college cross country, Track and Field nationals. His CCA includes Track and Field, Chinese Orchestra and Performing Arts Group. I suppose there's more stuff, but I can't remember. And despite all these time consuming activities, his results weren't bad. Good enough for him to secure a place in NUS Science, in UK King's College, and there was a place for him in Royal College of Music too, though he gave that up. It's insane! I'm JEALOUS.

My jc life, on the other hand, it's devoid of colours. It includes WATCHING @rtikulation, EnCOre, BEING PRESENT for sports meet and college cross country, CHEERING (only abit) for Track and Field Nationals. I had to be threatened with demerit points to join a CCA in my second year. It's Track and Field by the way. And now, I'm not turning up for training at all because my lousy attitude tells me that it's really pointless. My results are abysmal despite all the free time I have on my hands. It amazes me to think of how two people together can be world apart. Suddenly, I think I'm not good enough for him.

Anyway, I just remembered how retarded I am. I was watching Top Fun just now (watching that alone is quite retarded), and then there was a performance by the young boy who can drum really well? Yea, he was drumming to the Christian song One Way. At first I thought he was drumming to a rock song can! Halfway through then I realized it's One Way. Oh man, I hope I'm not insulting the faith.

I read something in a magazine while waiting for Momo yesterday, and it goes like this:

To find that special someone who fills your life - regardless of his or her calling, gender, belief or race - is a rare and precious thing.

And I thought, yea how true.

I'm feeling so horribly empty now it's just... terrible la huh. Roar.

I got dragged to Singapore River yesterday by Shunhong so that he could watch the Chelsea-Man U soccer match, claiming that it's like a rugby match between AC and RJ. Haha.

Before the match we had Sizzling Rock by the river, and it really lives up to its name. The oil was really sizzling on the rock, on top of that, it was spurting everywhere! And the chicken was raw on one side. I was like, so how am I supposed to eat this? Apparently I was supposed to flip it myself if I want it cooked. What the hell. I mean, who in the world eats raw chicken? Especially with the bird flu now. Anyway, when I finally managed to eat it, it was good. It was a pricey meal though. But Shunhong paid! Haha, he actually paid. Oh which reminds me. He actually managed to ask for a table without speaking. And he called for bill without speaking too. AND he merely nodded at the people who served us. The reason he gave for that was because everyone does this. What's wrong with just opening your mouth to say, Table for two please, Bill please, and Thank you, right? So I told him to stop acting high class when he isn't, in case he's doing it the wrong way. Sheesh.

Yes. So after dinner we stopped over at this drinking place with a TV to watch the match. The waitress was like Table for two? Then she took a good look at both of us and she asked, Above 18 or below 18? Haha. So funny! Looks like I'm not the only one who looks underaged. Anyway, since I'm not really 18 yet, I decided to keep quiet and let Shunhong talk. Aiya, the woman actually believed him. He ordered beer. BEER. That's so uncle! Yucks. Then he said that it's high class beer and tastes different. Stella Artois. See, he's trying to act high class again. And Man U lost. 3-0. They should have more matches like this. It was exciting.

I was on the bus home just now, and I saw NS boys. Haha. Their name tags caught my eye, and I suddenly thought about my brothers' name tags when they were in NS. Like, J J Ong and J X Ong. So cool isn't it! Then I thought about S H Liu, and I decided that it sounds very... Shunhongish. Imagine if I were to enlist, my name will be K T Ong. HAHA. That totally sounds like crap.

Well anyway, I wanted to visit Yan's blog just now, and I went to her old blog. Then I was like, eh, when did she shift her blog again? Haha. I think like, maybe my brain is undergoing denaturation or something. Does brain matter contain protein? I guess not. Ok point is, I think Yan's entries always brings back a flood of fond memories of those beautiful St Nicks days. I'll just put the link so you'll know what I mean, but I know Yan will kill me if she ever knew I was advertising her blog like this, though I doubt she'll ever find out. But I'll just copy and paste some stuff.

"... Blue people who give you hugs like free, blue people who write you notes like free, blue people who shower you with sweets and nonsensical things just to make you happy. ... Life used to be an adventure, because with blue people, you never know what silly and outrageous things we're going to do next. ... I miss the times in school when we would just laugh ourselves senseless over anything and everything."

So true. Those days when giving hugs was the norm, when doing silly, childlike stuff used to make us so happy. You know, what I feel about this, I really don't know how to put them in words. If back then you asked me, I think I would have called it love. Now I'll say it was probably superficial, because if it was all so perfect, then why didn't it last? I guess we all grew up, matured, and went our own way. Out of common behaviour among so many people, only a few will follow you through. People like Daggers (: I'm not sure if that made sense, but you get what I mean?

I forgot to add something yesterday. NS does wonders for skinny boys.

Shunhong now has visible abs and packs (that's if he flexes only though), a little arms muscles and a nice brown tan. Haha. Even Track and Field training doesn't do that much. I'm waiting for it to get better!

Heehee.

I finished my physics Skill A SPA on time! Haha. I hope my handwriting was still legible. Anyway, the sambal stingray I ate just now is like burning in my stomach now. Well, erm, so long.

One day, I will learn to face it, accept it, and let go.

There's this thing on Ellen's blog. A survey sort of thing, something I've done like a million times when I was in lower secondary. You know the time when every one does it and sends it to you by email, so you also do it and send it to every one too. Haha. I haven't done something like that for like the longest time, so I thought it would be interesting to do it again. This one comes with two rules:

1. You can only say YES or NO.
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you / comments and asks!

Heehee. So exciting.

1. Taken a picture naked? no
2. Painted your room? yes
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? no
4. Drove a car? no
5. Danced in front of your mirror? yes
6. Have a crush? yes
7. Been dumped? no
8. Stole money from friend? no
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? no
10. Been in a fist fight? no
11. Snuck out of your house? yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes
13. Been arrested? no
14. Made out with a stranger? no
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yes
16. Left your house without telling your parents? yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? no
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yes
20. Seen someone die? no
21. Been on a plane? yes
22. Kissed a picture? yes
23. Slept in until 3PM? yes
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes
26. Made a snow angel? no
27. Played dress up? yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? yes
29. Been lonely? yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? yes
31. Been to a club? yes
32. Felt an earthquake? no
33. Touched a snake? no
34. Ran a red light? no
35. Been suspended from school? no
36. Had detention? yes
37. Been in a car accident? no
38. Hated the way you look? no
39. Witnessed a crime? no
40. Pole danced? no
41. Been lost? yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? yes
43. Felt like dying? yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? yes
46. Sang karaoke? yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? no
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? no
50. Kissed in the rain? no
51. Sang in the shower? yes
52. Made love in a park? no
53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes
54. Glued your hand to something? yes
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? no
57. Been a cheerleader? no
58. Sat on a roof top? yes
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? no
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? yes
61. Played chicken? yes(?)
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? no
64. Broken a bone? no
65. Been easily amused? yes
66. Laugh so hard you cry? yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? no
68. Cheated on a test? yes
69. Forgotten someone's name? yes
70. Slept naked? no
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? no
73. Blacked out from drinking? no
74. Played a prank on someone? yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? yes
76. Made love to anything not human? no
77. Failed a class? yes
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? no
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? no
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? no
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? no
82. Thrown strange objects? yes
83. Felt like killing someone? no
84. Thought about running away? yes
85. Ran away? no
86. Did drugs? no
87. Had detention and not attend it? yes
89. Made a parent cry? yes
90. Cried over someone? yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? no?
92. Dated someone more than once? yes
93. Have a dog? no
94. Own an instrument? yes
95. Been in a band? no
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no
97. Broken a cd? yes
98. Shot a gun? yes

That was pretty fast.

Well school today was traumatising. Something really embarrassing happened today during GP remedial, which I think is rather inappropriate to mention here. Let's just say that I should make a bigger effort to learn how to sit properly. Oh my ):

Okay, on another note, I'm really amazed at how my GP teacher looks at the world in such a... cynical way. He seems to see more negative stuff than positive stuff in things. And he reads so much into issues. I never seem to be able to delve past what's on the surface. Oh well, there's a reason why he's a GP teacher and I need GP remedial right? Haha. Anyway, we learnt what's fallacies during GP yesterday. Now everything around all sound like fallacies to me. So wierd.

Oh, I met Weeshian and Yuen Kay at the bus stop on my way home after school, and I witnessed something I don't know whether to call sweet or stupid. Yuen Kay was having a running nose and they didn't have tissue, and Weeshian actually asked every one at the bus stop whether they had tissue. Yes, including strangers. If it was Shunhong, he will never do this for me. Not on his own accord, not if I ask him to. But I love him anyway. <3

This is a new beginning. Haha.

I debated with myself over whether I should delete my past entries. After all, they held so much memories. But, after reading through them, I decided to just delete them all. All I kept were the two latest entries. Most of them were so pessimistic and sad and were so shallow they didn't contain any meaningful content. Saying that is equivalent to branding myself as that, since it's what I wrote. I mean, what you write is what you think, and what you think is who you are, right? Well, if it's true, then I think I'm a terrible person.

Ah well.

I'm so annoyed. I hate being a substitute, you know. Have I mentioned this before? I don't know why I keep letting this issue affect me. I mean like after all it has been going on ever since last year. Maybe I'm just refusing to acknowledge the fact that I'm never ever ever EVER going to be in the picture. I come into the picture only when one or the other isn't around. I don't know why I keep letting myself be a substitute. Or maybe I'm not even a substitute, simply thinking too highly of myself.

I'm such a loser. I don't even dare to mention names. But I think it's kinda obvious anyway.

Well, Daggers are my bestest girlfriends. Maybe I don't have anyone in school, not really anyway. Aiya I'm not sure. But there's still plenty of people in class I have to get to know better. That's what I'm going to do. To get to know everyone in class better before we all graduate at the end of this year.

Oh I've been thinking about this. I think my life really does revolve around Shunhong, Shunhong and more Shunhong. I've been trying to deny it for the longest time. Ok, maybe NS will help to cure the problem.

Shunhong's been off to Tekong for 2 days already (or should I say only?). I didn't send him off and I'm majorly regretting it now. Shame on me for caring so much about what his mum will think. He told me that his mum will question me about why wasn't I in school when it was a Friday, and that will give her a very bad impression of me. Since my reputation with her is already bad enough, I should have just went with my heart. I wouldn't have minded skipping school just to see how is it going to be like for him in the next I don't even know how many weeks.

In fact, when I woke up and read a message he sent me at 5 AM I started having a panic attack. I started imagining all sorts of horrible stuff they do to those boys, MY boy, including making them wake up at 5 AM, over at that island. I'm sorry, I know 5 AM isn't all that early, but I don't think he wakes up at 5 AM very often, except maybe to watch soccer or something, and this is military training we're talking about. It upsets me to think about it. Alright, at least they sleep at 10 pm. I know, I'm being such a fuss. It's not like he's hasn't had less sleep than that before, but still, it's military training we're talking about! ):

Anyway, in my panic I remembered an entry in Eileen's blog about her boyfriend enlisting last year, and I felt abit more assured after reading it. 'Army life seems to be pretty much alike St John training camps, just without the change parades and with more sleep most nights. It isn't a wholly new lifestyle unalike something I expected, and I welcome mental preparation. Its 10 males to a bunk, with [apparently] $200 mattresses for good sleep.' That was last year, but I don't think they will degrade the mattresses and decide to torture suddenly huh. So I guess I should stop being retarded and making Shunhong sound like a girl. He's definitely man enough for it. At least he's safe there.

Shunhong's in Mohwok. Or is it Mohwak? Mahwak? Mohawk? I can't even remember his platoon's name!! I really should have just went on Friday to send him off. Mohawk sounds strangely familiar though. I think I've heard it before. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is... his platoon name. It's something along that line. Haha.

Sir asked me how I was feeling in school on Friday about Shunhong enlisting. I told him I was fine and he said it hasn't hit me yet. And he was too right. I guess in school there were so many things happening I didn't think much about it. But once I was home I kept checking my phone for messages I know he won't be able to send. At night I layed in bed and could only think about how much I miss him. It wasn't about not being able to see him often, but I can't even talk to him often. I seriously haven't talked to him so little in one day for a very very long time. Alienated is the perfect word to describe how I feel. I should start finding stuff to distract myself. More study, perhaps?